Michael Phelps - The Early Years
got this in an e-mail
wish I'd thought of it first!
Friday, August 29, 2008
This is your last chance to lower your interest rates.
The phone rang 10 minutes ago. A pre-recorded message says: "This is your last chance to lower your interest rates."
The last THREE times this company called, I informed them that I was on the Do Not Call list. Instead of making note of that & telling me they won't call again, they just hung up on me.
So today ... just now ... they called back.
Would you like to lower your interest rates? "Sure!" I said. Then the guy talked for 2 minutes straight until I said: "Ummm, I think you wanna talk to my mom." "Oh! OK" he said.
So I called out "Mom!!!" "Phone!!!"
And gently placed the phone down. Waited 5 minutes, picked it up & said "You still there?" He said "yes", I said "hold on a minute". He said "OK". I yelled "Mom!!!! Phone!!"
He's still holding.
Ha!
The last THREE times this company called, I informed them that I was on the Do Not Call list. Instead of making note of that & telling me they won't call again, they just hung up on me.
So today ... just now ... they called back.
Would you like to lower your interest rates? "Sure!" I said. Then the guy talked for 2 minutes straight until I said: "Ummm, I think you wanna talk to my mom." "Oh! OK" he said.
So I called out "Mom!!!" "Phone!!!"
And gently placed the phone down. Waited 5 minutes, picked it up & said "You still there?" He said "yes", I said "hold on a minute". He said "OK". I yelled "Mom!!!! Phone!!"
He's still holding.
Ha!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Today I learned how to tell the sex of a tomato.
It's a boy !!!
I had no idea.
Really. Something so simple... But it's got me thinking...
If tomatos have A sex ... does that mean they have SEX?
And if so, what do female tomatos call it when they have sex for the first time?
And if a cherry tomato loses her cherry ...
what does she have left?
I am now going to put my male tomato into the food processor. I suspect I may get some satisfaction from it.
The salsa I mean.
yummmmmm
PS HOLY SHIT, DO WE HAVE TOMATOS!
they're like 6 feet tall ... how THAT ever happened, I'll never know. Beginners luck probably.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Sausage in the oven.
4 AM
the phone rings.
The phone ringing at 4AM is scary.
I wake up enough by the 4th ring to fly out of bed, afraid something is terribly wrong.
"Hello?" I say.
A young woman says: "Can I put my sausage in your oven?"
At this point I sigh, partly pissed, partly releived because no one is hurt or dying, and I say to her: "You woke me up for THIS?"
Without missing a beat she responds: "Did you say you're up for this?"
Had I been more awake ... and not so freshly recovering from being scared ... I may not have hung up ... I may have praised her on her ability to think on her feet. Her response was hilarious.
I'd like to meet her.
the phone rings.
The phone ringing at 4AM is scary.
I wake up enough by the 4th ring to fly out of bed, afraid something is terribly wrong.
"Hello?" I say.
A young woman says: "Can I put my sausage in your oven?"
At this point I sigh, partly pissed, partly releived because no one is hurt or dying, and I say to her: "You woke me up for THIS?"
Without missing a beat she responds: "Did you say you're up for this?"
Had I been more awake ... and not so freshly recovering from being scared ... I may not have hung up ... I may have praised her on her ability to think on her feet. Her response was hilarious.
I'd like to meet her.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Today’s most enlightening headline.
The news stations all reported today, a most enlightening little piece of information, as told to them ...
Are you ready for it?
Sure?
OK, here it is ...
Feds: anthrax suspect had serious mental health issues.
Wow. I gotta tell ya ... I was really blown away by this little piece of info. I was SURE the person behind the anthrax stuff was completely sane. Gee Batman, you just never know about people ...
Are you ready for it?
Sure?
OK, here it is ...
Feds: anthrax suspect had serious mental health issues.
Wow. I gotta tell ya ... I was really blown away by this little piece of info. I was SURE the person behind the anthrax stuff was completely sane. Gee Batman, you just never know about people ...
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Roscoe, I do believe we’s being bullshitted.
How come ....
when the price of oil goes up, gas prices go up
but
when the price of oil goes down, they tell us it takes a month or two for the price of gas to catch up.
====================================
Roscoe, I do believe we's being bullshitted.
when the price of oil goes up, gas prices go up
but
when the price of oil goes down, they tell us it takes a month or two for the price of gas to catch up.
====================================
Roscoe, I do believe we's being bullshitted.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Sunday AM TV
Somehow I've developed this morning routine, wake up, make coffee, smoke, channel surf, drink coffee, etc. Just until the caffeine takes effect & I'm awake enough to function & get to work.
So I'm sitting there flipping through the channels this morning & I realize it's Sunday because of the subject matter on the boob tube.
FIRST there's the hunters. I don't think that's an appropriate name for them though. People who buy expensive equipment ... camouflage themselves in the woods, use light-weight, high speed bow & arrow or high powered rifles with scopes on them that let you kill something a mile away, cameras so they can find the animals while they're hiding on a little platform high up in a tree. ----- I don't considering that hunting, I think it should be called outsmarting ... or sneaking ... or tricking ... or cheating. Whatever you want to call it, it's anything BUT "hunting". And I think, anyone who uses those tactics to outsmart an animal is just a big pussy. You heard me. A big, chicken-shit, can't really hunt, butt-munching pussy. Wear your regular clothing, bring a knife or MAKE your own weapon out of the tree branches, no cameras, no high-tech gear, no hiding in fucking trees you big fucking pussy. No devices to make an animal think there's a friend in distress calling out for them, no sound-makers making fake mating calls, no fake scents to lure them to you. Make it a fair fight. And maybe THEN ... you can call yourself a hunter.
THEN I click through a few more channels and there's a televangelist. Oh fucking yippee. I listen to this bozo for 15 seconds and all he has to say is that people ... human beings have a soul, but dogs do not. How the fuck does he know? I think there are more kind dogs than there are kind people. I think dogs care more about human beings than human beings care about human beings. I think that if god is truly kind and good, then there's no way he doesn't have a dog for a best friend. And I also say, that televangelist can kiss my fat white ass.
So I'm sitting there flipping through the channels this morning & I realize it's Sunday because of the subject matter on the boob tube.
FIRST there's the hunters. I don't think that's an appropriate name for them though. People who buy expensive equipment ... camouflage themselves in the woods, use light-weight, high speed bow & arrow or high powered rifles with scopes on them that let you kill something a mile away, cameras so they can find the animals while they're hiding on a little platform high up in a tree. ----- I don't considering that hunting, I think it should be called outsmarting ... or sneaking ... or tricking ... or cheating. Whatever you want to call it, it's anything BUT "hunting". And I think, anyone who uses those tactics to outsmart an animal is just a big pussy. You heard me. A big, chicken-shit, can't really hunt, butt-munching pussy. Wear your regular clothing, bring a knife or MAKE your own weapon out of the tree branches, no cameras, no high-tech gear, no hiding in fucking trees you big fucking pussy. No devices to make an animal think there's a friend in distress calling out for them, no sound-makers making fake mating calls, no fake scents to lure them to you. Make it a fair fight. And maybe THEN ... you can call yourself a hunter.
THEN I click through a few more channels and there's a televangelist. Oh fucking yippee. I listen to this bozo for 15 seconds and all he has to say is that people ... human beings have a soul, but dogs do not. How the fuck does he know? I think there are more kind dogs than there are kind people. I think dogs care more about human beings than human beings care about human beings. I think that if god is truly kind and good, then there's no way he doesn't have a dog for a best friend. And I also say, that televangelist can kiss my fat white ass.
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