Michael Phelps - The Early Years

Michael Phelps - The Early Years

got this in an e-mail

wish I'd thought of it first!

This is your last chance to lower your interest rates.

The phone rang 10 minutes ago. A pre-recorded message says: "This is your last chance to lower your interest rates."

The last THREE times this company called, I informed them that I was on the Do Not Call list. Instead of making note of that & telling me they won't call again, they just hung up on me.

So today ... just now ... they called back.

Would you like to lower your interest rates? "Sure!" I said. Then the guy talked for 2 minutes straight until I said: "Ummm, I think you wanna talk to my mom." "Oh! OK" he said.

So I called out "Mom!!!" "Phone!!!"

And gently placed the phone down. Waited 5 minutes, picked it up & said "You still there?" He said "yes", I said "hold on a minute". He said "OK". I yelled "Mom!!!! Phone!!"

He's still holding.

Ha!

Today I learned how to tell the sex of a tomato.

It's a boy !!!

I had no idea.

Really. Something so simple... But it's got me thinking...

If tomatos have A sex ... does that mean they have SEX?

And if so, what do female tomatos call it when they have sex for the first time?

And if a cherry tomato loses her cherry ...

what does she have left?

I am now going to put my male tomato into the food processor. I suspect I may get some satisfaction from it.

The salsa I mean.

yummmmmm

PS HOLY SHIT, DO WE HAVE TOMATOS!

they're like 6 feet tall ... how THAT ever happened, I'll never know. Beginners luck probably.

Sausage in the oven.

4 AM

the phone rings.

The phone ringing at 4AM is scary.

I wake up enough by the 4th ring to fly out of bed, afraid something is terribly wrong.

"Hello?" I say.

A young woman says: "Can I put my sausage in your oven?"

At this point I sigh, partly pissed, partly releived because no one is hurt or dying, and I say to her: "You woke me up for THIS?"
Without missing a beat she responds: "Did you say you're up for this?"

Had I been more awake ... and not so freshly recovering from being scared ... I may not have hung up ... I may have praised her on her ability to think on her feet. Her response was hilarious.

I'd like to meet her.

Today’s most enlightening headline.

The news stations all reported today, a most enlightening little piece of information, as told to them ...

Are you ready for it?

Sure?

OK, here it is ...

Feds: anthrax suspect had serious mental health issues.

Wow. I gotta tell ya ... I was really blown away by this little piece of info. I was SURE the person behind the anthrax stuff was completely sane. Gee Batman, you just never know about people ...

Roscoe, I do believe we’s being bullshitted.

How come ....

when the price of oil goes up, gas prices go up

but

when the price of oil goes down, they tell us it takes a month or two for the price of gas to catch up.

====================================

Roscoe, I do believe we's being bullshitted.

Sunday AM TV

Somehow I've developed this morning routine, wake up, make coffee, smoke, channel surf, drink coffee, etc. Just until the caffeine takes effect & I'm awake enough to function & get to work.

So I'm sitting there flipping through the channels this morning & I realize it's Sunday because of the subject matter on the boob tube.

FIRST there's the hunters. I don't think that's an appropriate name for them though. People who buy expensive equipment ... camouflage themselves in the woods, use light-weight, high speed bow & arrow or high powered rifles with scopes on them that let you kill something a mile away, cameras so they can find the animals while they're hiding on a little platform high up in a tree. ----- I don't considering that hunting, I think it should be called outsmarting ... or sneaking ... or tricking ... or cheating. Whatever you want to call it, it's anything BUT "hunting". And I think, anyone who uses those tactics to outsmart an animal is just a big pussy. You heard me. A big, chicken-shit, can't really hunt, butt-munching pussy. Wear your regular clothing, bring a knife or MAKE your own weapon out of the tree branches, no cameras, no high-tech gear, no hiding in fucking trees you big fucking pussy. No devices to make an animal think there's a friend in distress calling out for them, no sound-makers making fake mating calls, no fake scents to lure them to you. Make it a fair fight. And maybe THEN ... you can call yourself a hunter.

THEN I click through a few more channels and there's a televangelist. Oh fucking yippee. I listen to this bozo for 15 seconds and all he has to say is that people ... human beings have a soul, but dogs do not. How the fuck does he know? I think there are more kind dogs than there are kind people. I think dogs care more about human beings than human beings care about human beings. I think that if god is truly kind and good, then there's no way he doesn't have a dog for a best friend. And I also say, that televangelist can kiss my fat white ass.

Life

Priorities.
Work.
Family.
Life.
Love.

In the same 2 week period, my granddaughter and my dad both ended up being hospitalized.

They're fine now, home, happy. But it was one of those moments that made me look back - when it was all over - and say to myself ...
ALL of the things I was falling behind on, work not getting done -- in as timely a manner as I usually like -- house looking like a tornado passed through ... none of it, is as important as I would've said it was, two weeks ago.

my cat walked across the fresh polyurethane floor and it got all stuck in her paws

So, we've been refinishing old floors in our old house. 'Upside-down' is the only word I think truly describes this place right now. Exhausting work too. And if you know me at all, you know I'm not a 'manual labor' type of gal. I'll gladly manage the laborers -- and even show them how to do the job right -- but I get quite sick of dirty, sweaty, repetitive work ... really quickly.

One bedroom is all we planned on doing. It came out nicely & we had paid for the weekend machine rental & had a day to spare - but when I woke up with memories of a vivid dream about gorgeous old hardwood being under 7 layers of shit that we have -- not so affectionately -- come to know as our kitchen floor - I hopped out of bed & grabbed a crowbar. Yes, even before my coffee. I moved a small counter, in case I completely fucked it up so I could cover it up, and hammered the crowbar under the 1st 2 layers of linoleum. Then there was gunk, and then a layer of white textured paper that I think may have been the backing of the brown linoleum at one time. Then red & white checkered tiles from the 50's... then tarpaper. And that's when it happened. 6 or 7 inch wide beautiful old beaten hardwood, original to this 1879 house. I made coffee & went upstairs & woke Dor up with this: "Honey, I'm tearing up the kitchen floor ... wanna join me?" I have never, ever seen her get outta bed so quickly.

When we got it all sanded we weren't sure about some of the darker spots, inconsistencies & the old water stains... but we decided that it's aged & beautiful & it tells the story of what this home has been through. We discovered a 1 foot wide circular mark next to the chimney. There are square - rectangular actually - nail heads everywhere. Then we realized we found where the hearth was. You can soooo see it ... and to the left of it, where the wood was stacked. There's a warped part, and a burn spot where hot coals obviously fell. It's gorgeous.

We're waiting on the last coat of polyurethane to completely dry now. Last night, while Dor was spreading the last coat -- even though we had blocked off the room completely -- one of our cats managed to sneak in & run across it. Her paws were all sticky with this poison -- gunking now -- and she was licking & biting to get it off.

I googled like a madman - but found nothing. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't want her dying overnight. First of all, because I love the stupid cat. Secondly, if the floor killed her, I'd have to cover it up. Didn't want to do that either.

So I called our vet and it was a recording. "You've reached Greylock Animal Hospital ... If this is an emergency, call this number for on-call." So I call their on-call number. They took my name, number, a description of what happened, the pet's name, and asked if we were patients there. OK. But then they said there is no one on duty on the overnights and vetrinary office covering for them is in SOUTH DEERFIELD, which is over an hour away! And gave me their number. I asked why they needed all of my info if no one was there to help? She said the Doctor would be calling tomorrow to check on how the cat was.

I call the So. Deerfield Vet & they tell me they don't know about the polyurethane & I should call the ASPCA's Poison Control number.

So I call the ASPCA poison control number. 10 minutes or more on the phone with them, reading the label off of the can, pet info, contact info, and a credit card number for $60 payment for their services because they're not State funded at all, and THEN I'm put on hold for 5 minutes while the actual vet is reached.

The vetrinarian comes on & says ... To get the polyurethane off, that's stuck on & in between my cat's paws, get some peanut butter, mineral oil or vegetable oil & rub the area then wash off with palmolive or dawn. Hydrocarbons can cause pneumonia within 24 hours watch for trouble breathing, wheezing, coughing ... mild diarhhea is OK, more is not ... vomiting 1 to 2 times is OK, anything more is not. Some skin & stomach irritation may occur.

The cat was THRILLED with the whole peanut butter & oil & dishsoap & rinse experience ... she was soooo pissed. And I think the other cats all thought they were gonna get it next because they wouldn't come anywhere near us when we had finished with the first one... & they didn't take their eyes off of us.

Oh. And by the way... Greylock never called to check up on us. Oh, AND ... I blog'd about the vet the last time we took everyone in and how odd I found it that suddenly 80% of my pets needed dental work. Well, last week, they all (all 7 of 'em) had their yearly appointment. ($800.00) Funny thing, no one needs dental work any longer. They just have a little tartar. Funnier still, we never got the dental work done in the first place.

So today I called them & asked if they knew of a Vetrinary Hospital who has on-call emergency / overnight coverage. They gave me another Vet's number. Told them to have all of our pet's records ready for us to pick up ... we wouldn't be coming back there. Do you know ... they didn't even ask why.

Floor photos will be added soon.

:-)

Movies ...

THE BUCKET LIST is everything you expect, and then some. One of the best movies we've seen all year.

DADDY DAY CAMP cutsey flick, made me LOL 3x.

P.S. I LOVE YOU was also a great movie. HIGHLY recommended! I'm even gonna read the book.

JUNO good. But you knew that already. Somewhat unrealistic. The main character is waaaay more mature than ANY teen I know, which kind of makes it unrealistic.

DAN IN REAL LIFE surprised me. I thought it was gonna be stupid, it was actually a great story. Kind of edging on one of those 'groundhog day - esque' in that the mail character kind of gets kicked in the head repeatedly (which annoys me) ... but overall, good.

CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR is an ABSOLUTE MUST SEE.

NEARING GRACE - I've always loved David Morse ... his broken leg has finally healed (lol) ... This is one of those movies that completely 100% takes you out of yourself, in into their lives. I loved it.

braless boob bouncing arm flailing crazy woman

I was having a good, lazy day. Never even bothered to put shoes or a bra on yesterday. I hate bras. Minding my own business. I went outside to smoke. One of our cats came out when I did.
As I sit down & light up, a pair of birds start chirping. Flying around together - bouncing around inside the branches of our lilac bush. Together, they're playing. Play-boxing, flirting, playing tag ... I don't know. They're practically on top of each other, making lots of noise, obviously having an awesome time on the first day of summer.
But I've seen this before. I know what happens next.
The pair of birds lands in the road at the end of our driveway. My cat that came outside with me is crouching now - in attack mode. I yell at the cat - she ignores me - as I knew she would, so I go running down the driveway. I MUST reach the happy birds before the cat does. Barefoot & braless, I'm running, flailing my arms, yelling at the birds: "go-on! - git! - get out of here!" She didn't pounce in time. I scared the shit out of the pair of birds. They flew off screaming obscenities at me in Spanish. I smile, knowing I have saved the birds from a truly painful death, I pivot to lecture the cat & head back to my cigarette. It was then that I saw our mailman, staring, jaw dropped. So naturally, I see the hilarity of it all & I start laughing ... which I'm sure added to his curiosity about my level of sanity - & whether or not he'd be safe walking up our driveway to deliver the mail.
Dor's outside now. I tell her the story - through my bursts of uncontrolled giggling - my head shaking back & forth - "I don't know if he's going to deliver the mail today." I tell her. We're sitting together now, smoking, as he slowly, cautiously walks up the driveway. He reaches us, hands Dor the mail (even though I had my hand out). He looks scared. Dor says to him: "She's not really a crazy person, she just plays one on TV." And we all shared a good laugh.

Last 2 weekends ... home movies

My Weekend
It started with a phone call.
"Hi, Barbra? ... you don't know me, but I'm your cousin!"
How cool is THAT?!
It's one of those things - you can never know how it feels, unless it's happened to you. Tingles all over!
We started with e-mails. Then we planned to meet. Then we had to cancel. Then we planned to meet again. And we had to cancel again.
Being persistent runs in the family, so we planned to meet again. This time everyone made it. It's always nerve-wracking, meeting new people, but I felt pretty comfortable with them. They're very down-to-earth ... and they made me laugh. I'm looking fowrawd to our next get-together. We're gonna bring the kids to Hoffman's Playland! It's strange to think, we were probably there at the same time as kids, but we didn't know it.. And now, we get to bring our kids there together. Hoffman's rocks. I'd like to open one here. :-)
Then today I went to my nieces softball game.
Everyone was dripping with sweat. 90 freakin degrees holy shit kind of hot. Wow.
My niece rocks! She's a softball natural!
Had to stop for gas on my way back home. The sign said 'please prepay' so I headed in. Dude at the gas pump called my name. I turn. I don't recognise him at all. My mind starts stumbling through the memories that are not purple hazed over - nope - still no clue. So I say: "Who are you?" He says "Eric Hough". Holy shit! I say. OMG we haven't seen each other since high school. He said he was gettin by ok, I said the same. We both said "it was good to see you". and a couple of other pleasantries ... it really was good to see him.
This kind of thing just doesn't happen to me a lot -- mostly because I moved away from my hometown 20 years ago -- but it was really cool.

Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.'They're mating,' her father replied.'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in OUR garden.'Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it?

I don't know who wrote this one, but I love it!

Moral of the Story.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parentsto tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell theirstories.There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left."Ernie, do you have a story to share?""Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bailout over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, apistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down sothe bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in themiddle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then shekilled the last enemy with her bare hands.""Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher "What kind of moral did yourdaddy tell you from this horrible story?""Stay the F--k away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.

I don't know who wrote this - but I think it's hilarious!

cows and kegs

My neighbor is over today. We get to talkin about the price of gas. She mentions how the truckers are just gonna stop. Then nothing will be available. Good goddamn thing I started a fucking garden this year.

I'm thinkin: I know how to live like they did on Little House on the Prairie... Then Dor says - ya, no milk in the stores ... and then Pam says "no beer" Holy crap!

That's when we decided to buy a cow.

And a few kegs.

Seriously though.

What stuff will be totally unavailable if truckers stop truckin'?

No Country For Old Men

We watched No Country For Old Men tonight.

i get the message

but

this movie takes the cake

for having the WORST ending of ANY movie I've EVER SEEN in my LIFE!

Seriously. No closure, WHATSOEVER.

which was the cohen brothers' intent - to add to the films message

but that's not why I watch movies.

I prefer happy endings

& even a sad ending is okay now & then

but NO ENDING?

I swear, we both threw up our arms when the end credits started -

and said

whatthefuck.

got this in an email

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
> hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters,
> whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
> >
> > The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went
> > into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time,
> > so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
> > Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which
> > rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out
> > an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
> >
> > The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen
> > he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's
> > bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters
> > were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,

would run for cover.
>
> >
> > But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,
> > so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk
> > on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him
> > in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among
> > the judges.
> >
> > The result...
> >
> > The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but
> > they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was
> > a politician in the making -- who else but a politician could figure
> > out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
> > being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
> > when they weren't paying attention.
> >
> > Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible!

No Country For Old Men

We watched No Country For Old Men tonight.
i get the message
but
this movie takes the cake
for having the WORST ending of ANY movie I've EVER SEEN in my LIFE!
Seriously. No closure, WHATSOEVER.
which was the cohen brother's intent - to add to the films message
but that's not why I watch movies.
I prefer happy endings
& even a sad ending is okay now & then
but NO ENDING?
I swear, we both threw up our arms when the end credits started -
and said
whatthefuck.

That's when I knew.

Two days after my friend passed away it started. I got new orders, & re-orders every day, for a week straight. Usually I get a few orders a month - a few new accounts, and a few re-orders. It could have been coincidence, but it sure didn't feel like like coincidence. I was running out of cards.

I always ask retailers how they heard of us, whether they're calling for a catalog or placing an order - to find out which of our advertising methods is working best. On one of the new orders I got that week, I asked the woman: "How'd you hear of us?" She said: "It was the strangest thing ... I wasn't even looking for greeting cards -- I was looking for candles..." That's when I knew. (We are not associated with any candle sites - not so much as a link.)

I called my friend's sister & asked if anything weird was going on there too. She told me several different things ... important items that had been lost, reappearing ... the kids hearing her voice through the computer speakers ... widower & his new girlfriend having the shit scared out of them when huge pots fall off of the stove & go crashing to the floor for no reason... (which I found hilarious because I can totally see my friend doing that & laughing).

When we lose someone, we like to think they're in heaven, enjoying the all-you-can-eat buffet, their favorite music, friends, family, peace & love all around them ...

If when we leave our earthly bodies, we're given a choice, to go on up, or stick around & help out ... or just be mischevious for a while, I KNOW my friend chose to stick around.

A Perfect Night - a simple night - An Appreciated Night

I lost an old friend 2 weeks ago. One of my best friends from high school. I never saw it coming. I had removed myself from my hometown.

We stayed in touch sporadically over the years. Time did fly by though. I know we both thought of each other more than we talked, but we tried. She called me 2 months ago out of the blue. We talked about life & family ... children & God. Before hanging up she said she loved me. I told her I loved her too.

This isn't supposed to happen to 41 year old moms. It really threw me for a loop.

Tonight we had us, our 2 teenagers, my daughter, her 2 babies, my sister in law, and her 2 kids over. An evening full of screaming, diapers, crying, running, Smores, and Lincoln Log mansions.

With all of it's imperfections, it was a perfect night.