Had to bring this one back into the line!

We're back online...fo' real!

CLICK HERE: GrammaBurp.com

Pumped Up Kicks ... heheheheh

We're back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it's been a hell of a year ... or more. Without boring anyone with details or forcing you to listen to me whine, let's just say my "Wedded Bliss My Ass" card came to life ... morphed into a universe-destroying tornado, and then exploded. Those who I thought were closest to me were the ones trying hardest to completely destroy me & I really couldn't grasp that emotionally, which then turned into depression & self-pity until I started trying to completely destroy my own self. Wow, that sounds crazy... It's been interesting.

The positive thing that came out of it ... I found out who my true family & friends are.

I'm finding myself smiling & laughing again lately. Which is kind of important when you're a humorous greeting card writer.

For 6 months my business has been dead in the water.

I worked too hard & too long to just let it go because of tornado's & explosions.

We're back!!!!!!!!

wise words

you never truly know a person, until you divorce them

new bumper sticker ... lol

ruff mothers day

Mother's Day

2009

I sent out 2 general 'Happy Mother's Day'

messages on Facebook & Myspace in a piss-poor

attempt to wish everyone a happy day.

I'm really thinking about my own mom today. Every day actually.

Alzheimers stole her from us, and from herself, a decade ago.

Alzheimer's sucks.

This AM my baby boy, who is a complete bed-hog by the way,

actually got up with me. Most days he stays in bed & sleeps in for

at least an hour. But it was very sweet of him I thought, to get up early just for me.

Now I know what you're thinking ... That can't be her boy ... he looks nothing like her!

Well, you're partly correct. He was adopted. But he & I are very close.

He's 53 and he still won't get his own apartment.

But I do admire his loyalty. He rarely leaves my side.

At my desk he sits on my shoulders or behind the small of my back.

When I'm packing orders, he's generally between my feet.

Watching a movie, he's sitting at my side.

Outside he's with me too. He loves the sun.

The longest we've been apart was when I drove to California. I was gone almost a month. I think he thought I had died, because the day I returned,

he took one look at me & I swear he thought he was seeing a ghost.

He ran off & hid under my bed, where I found him shaking, in a puddle of pee & pooping.

(In case you were wondering, that incident IS the origin of the terms:

"I'm so happy I could shit!" AND "scared shitless!".)

When I coaxed him out from under the bed & he realized it was really me -- and I cleaned him up ... he was suddenly the happiest pup in the world!

Anyway ...

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

Random act of kindness = free GrammaBurp card!

GrammaBurp.com's sister site, GrammaBurp.net, is having a giveaway. Perform a RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS & we'll send you a FREE card!

Make the world a better place, AND get free shit? Hell ya!

Click here for details!

Lets do this!

GrammaBurp on Facebook AND Twitter

Check out GrammaBurp's new fan page on Facebook! YeeHaw!

AND

Twitter! WooHoo!



please join / fan / friend / all that social networking crap ...

just do it man!!!!!!!!!!


:-)

marketing

So I'm sitting here drinking a Chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. I personally like them better than BK or McD's shakes, but we don't have a Wendy's in town so I rarely get one. But one was delivered to me today because the people who love me always have my happiness in mind (either that, or they remember coming home from the city 2 weeks ago, drinking one in front of me & getting bitched at). In any case, it's darn yummy.

So I'm sitting here doing my best to suck the thick chocolate through a straw, and I place my Frosty down on my desk.
And that's when I see it.

On the side of the cup, just below the Wendy's logo, it says:
"Today's salads didn't exist yesterday."
It makes you think for a moment, because you have to wrap your little brain around the concept, then it hits you.

Fresh.

Fresh Freakin Salads. Who doesn't love a fresh freakin salad?

I sure do!
Man, what a brilliant grouping of words. "Today's salads didn't exist yesterday". Just brilliant.

If only I were half as smart - I'd be eating a fresh salad instead of a Chocolate Frosty. Oh, the guilt...

DeFlocked

Check this out. I LOVE this comic strip! DeFlocked

old family recipe - Dottie Young's Country Style Casserole - kero syrup

I cannot tell you how many times I've craved this and spent hours searching for the recipe. It is nowhere on the internet. Until now. My brother & I devoured it as kids. The ingredients call for some unlikely combinations, but the end result is absolutely amazing. Dottie Young is a family friend. She gave my mom the recipe. This is written exactly as it passed down to me.

Dottie Young's Country Style Casserole

brown together;
1/2 c. minced onion
1 lb. ground beef

stir in;
1/2 c. kero syrup (blue label)
8 oz. can tomato sauce
1/3 c. vinegar
1 T. prepared mustard
1 T. Worcestershire sauce
2 t. salt
1/4 t. oregano
1/4 t. pepper

Bring To A Boil;
8 oz. elbow macaroni

In 2 Qt. Baking Dish, arrange in alternate layers;
macaroni, meat mixture, grated cheese

Top With:
1 lb. can Italian tomatoes & any kind of cheese

350 degree oven for 3o minutes or until bubbly

My Notes

*nowhere on the original recipe does it tell you to drain the grease from the beef, (it was the 70's, we were brave back then) so you may want to add a splash of additional liquid -- tomato sauce or whatever-- if you drain.

* Capital 'T' means tablespoon, lower case 't' means teaspoon.

*I'm not necessarily sharing this out of the goodness of my heart, it's far more likely that I'm just sick of looking for the recipe.

* You might want to double it, this shit is gooooood.

g to the burp

dr suess on the inauguration

what's she gonna wear?
what's she gonna wear?
ooooo how fascinating
waiting to see
what dress she'll wear
what shoes?
what jacket?
and something pretty in her hair?
i don't care
what she wears
what she wears
i do not care
i do NOT care
what dress she'll wear
i do not care
if there's a flower in her hair
i could care less
about her shoes or her socks
i could care less if she wore a cardboard box
no, I do not care
not one little bit
hey! news reporter!
do you get it?
i do not give a shit.

Dear computer,

Dear computer,
I love you. I miss you. I need you.
I want you to know that just because we brought a second computer into the house, you WERE NOT going to be replaced.
I love and accept you, just the way you are. I DO NOT want a new one with all the bells & whistles. I do not want Vista. I want you.
Please come back.
Love,
Burpy

sad news

Black Friday NRF Results

Black Friday 2008 statistics collected by BIGresearch for the National Retail Federation (NRF).

• 172 million shoppers visited stores and websites over Black Friday weekend, up from 147 million shoppers last year.
  
• Nearly 25 percent of shoppers were at stores by 5 a.m.
  
• Shoppers spent an average of $372.57; total spending reached $41 billion.
  
• More than half of shoppers bought clothing and accessories.
  
• More than a quarter of shoppers bought toys.
  
• Gift card purchases dropped 10 percent from last year.

For more information, visit www.nrf.com.

I met Curious George today!

Reba & Kelly Clarkson concert & ticket scalpers

I bought my wife & my daughter tickets for the Reba & Kelly Clarkson concert.
I signed onto Ticketmaster 1st thing in the - morning months ago - the day the tickets went on sale, but still wasn't able to get great seats.

Even so, they went ... and they had a blast.

Barbara Jean was the opening act. They said she was hilarious!

They tried to get backstage but were unsuccessful. So as they were in the truck, about to leave, the tour bus pulled out. Guess who followed the tour bus? They called to tell me. So I googled it & told them that the next show was in Ohio & asked how much gas they had.

The stalkers lost the tour bus at a red light.

----------------------------

I think that concert venues should put a stop to ticket scalping immediately. I'd be willing to bet that 95% of the ticket sales that morning went to people who planned to resell them, and not to people who love the performers. The solution? It's simple. Be like airlines. 1 ticket. 1 name. ID required. Yes refundable. Not exchangable AND NON-TRANSFERRABLE. dammit.

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confidentabout yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with aregimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent youfrom living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you willdiscover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and startliving, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include;
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration- Erotic lustfulness- Loss of motor control- Loss of clothing- Loss of money- Loss of virginity- Attraction to the same sex- Table dancing- Headache- Dehydration- Dry mouth- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering whenyou are not.

WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends overand over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logicallyconverse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

HA!!! --- wish i'd written this one ...

I am in love with this song

Well I heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

I saw Jesus in the desert

I was driving in southern california, somewhere between Joshua Tree & Palm Springs. I don't remember the name of the road, but I can picture it vividly in my mind. On the side of this busy, business-lined four-lane road, I see a man dressed in raggy grey clothing, carrying over his right shoulder ... dragging ... a wooden cross at least twice his size.
A religious demonstration is what I assumed. Or maybe a mentally ill man. Why would the son of god be in So. Cal.?
I didn't hear of any crucifixion's on the news that evening, so I think it's safe to say he wasn't actually Jesus.
But what if he had been. Not one car stopped. Not person went up to help him carry it.
Imagine how different that moment would have been ... if one ... two ... or three people went up to him, and helped him carry it a few yards.

Total Meltdown

She's 4.

She insisted on wearing a heavy sweater to school that morning.

The afternoon heat, being a little tired ... and the sweater, were all contributing factors in what happened next.

We discovered we were out of formula so I ran to grocery store after picking her up from school. Parked the car. As we walk toward the door, she says she wants to ride in a cart. I said "OK".
We stood at the carts for at least 2 full minutes. She wanted the red one... but not THAT red one. She didn't want the other one I chose either. We tried the one red available one again ... no.
I weighed the options ... baby at home, needs formula. 4 year old here, needs to ride in a cart. Hmmm.

And I said:
"OK, that's it, come on, we have to go in now."
(INSERT 'Wrong answer!' GAME SHOW BUZZER HERE)

She starts getting upset, reluctantly walks inside with me, crying, starting to scream - not quite walking now - a few stares ... and we're at the baby aisle ...
oh crap, the formula's not here and she's escalating.
By the time we reach the service desk, she's in total melt-down mode. She's screaming like she's being beaten, and she's put herself on the floor. I'm so glad I know the lady at the service desk. I could barely think with all the screaming & people staring. She gets the formula for me.

That's when I have a flashback.

This hasn't happened to me in 18 years. It was K-Mart. It was the 4 yr old's mother. Shoe shopping. Couldn't decide. 20+ minutes. She had tried on every pair of shoes in the store, twice. My decision to say - OK, that's enough, we're leaving. My daughter had to be carried out by my partner at the time. Me following close behind. She was screaming: "I WANT MY MOTHER!!!!" all the way out.
This memory, of course, made me start to giggle.
My friend at the service desk tells me not to laugh. I realize I probably look rediculous ... crazy even. 4 year old on the floor at price chopper screaming, and me laughing.

OK ... time to leave.
Nope.
I struggle to pick her up off the floor. By the time we get from the service desk to the exit door, she's screamed & wiggled her way out of my arms and is on the sidewalk, screaming. I start laughing again. I can't help it. What would Nanny 911 do? Trying to speak calmy. I promise a time-out as soon as we get to my house. THAT just gives her new material to scream about. I can't think. I need her mother. I carry this flailing screaming tantrum-having 4 year old to the car & dial her mother as she again puts herself on the pavement screaming. All I can think about is how gross the ground is. I hope she's not rolling in some pre-chewed gum or spit or something nasty. Mommy is on speakerphone now. And that's all it took.
Within a minute she has gotten herself calmed down & into her carseat and is begging not to have to do a time out when we get to my house.

She did her time out.

It's the kind of thing that makes me want to have more children ... you?

Adoptive Parents NEED NOT FEAR losing their adult child to a birthparent

I just watched part of a TV show called An Adoption Story. The prospective adoptive parents expressed concern because they "heard about adopted children growing up & leaving them to find their birth parents" ... and they "didn't want to put all that effort into raising a child only to have them leave". My first reaction was: "Oh my God, what an insecure dick!" And after thinking about it for ... oh, maybe 10 seconds, I realized I had to say something.

I understand. They just don't know. They've got no adopted friends, no experience with it. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a concern for them. They ended up adopting from Korea. Partly, I think, to alleviate their concerns about "putting all that effort into raising a child only to have him / her leave someday".

Ya, the guy pissed me off. FIRST of all, if you're a good, loving parent, and you do your best, your child isn't going to leave you. SECONDLY, for an adoptee, the need to know where you came from is natural, and not necessarily a bad thing.

My birth parents are both good people, both were too young to raise me when I was born.

My parents wanted nothing more than to have children. They loved me & gave me (and my brother - also adopted) an awesome childhood.

Both birth parents, when I met them, asked if I'd had a good childhood.

Yes.

I love my parents. My parents will always be, my parents. My mom & dad.

I'm one of the lucky ones -- who was able to find & meet my birth families. I've built relationships with them, and I love many of them too. But that love absolutely does not take from the love - the bond - the relationship I have with my parents & my brother.

I hope that this blog is found, by people who are considering adoption. People who fear losing a child they raised.
If you're that person, please hear me when I say this ... LOVE your child. And you will not lose them. Be HONEST with them from day one. UNDERSTAND that they may NEED to know where they came from biologically. SUPPORT them in that. And you won't lose them.

And TODAYS most brilliant news statement is ...

And TODAYS most brilliant news statement is ...

"Officials are looking into WHY the two trains were on the same track."

let see ...

don't drink and drive

don't eat rat poison

don't hold a gun to your head

don't put two trains on the same track heading toward each other

through the eyes of the camera holder

I don't know if anyone else saw this, but last night on The History Channel, there was a 9/11 special. Footage none of us have ever seen before, captured by regular people; a college student, a mother, a couple of regular guys, etc. It was amazing to see it unfold, the way they saw it.

The mom a block away, she & her husband inside their apartment, one minute terrified, watching a terrorist attack killing thousands, the next minute telling her little girl -- in a calm, comforting voice -- to go watch cartoons. All were evacuated from their buildings ... and sent walking.

One guy filming, captured a group of firefighters walking, carrying their equipment toward tower 2, close-ups of their faces. I remember thinking how beautiful they all were ... and wondering if they lived through the day. Later we were told that all of them were killed. It was almost spiritual seeing their faces. It's hard to explain without sounding like a crazy person... there was just this great sense of calm about them.

We heard voices coming through the radios. The voices of men up there trying to help, sounding overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, desperate.

And one guy walks by a building with 7's on each large window. Building 7? Yup. The guy with the camera went in. There was a dude inside, in charge. "Everyone's out of here, we evacuated, I'm just here to make sure nobody else is up there." (Yet he was standing in the lobby.) He tells dude with camera he should go. But the most remarkable thing about that footage ... there was no smoke. No fire in building 7.

Men with thick Italian accents at times square, watching it all unfold -- with 100 other people -- on the big screen. "We should go to war, now!" & "They don't deserve to walk this planet." & We should go to Afghanistan & just bomb the hell out of em'. -- blow them all up -- kill 'em all!."

"Basic human survival." they called it. Speaking of which, A five-second shot, of an Asian man, carrying a 3 year old boy. The man was wearing one of these

The child he carried, was not.

My immediate reaction to seeing that was: "fucking asshole".

I like to think that I do not know anyone who would have been wearing that -- everyone I know would have had it on the child.

Fucking asshole.

The college students. Two Freshmen women. "What do we do? what do we do? Wait for ME!"

People just completely covered in the white ash.

A fireman phones his wife: "I'm okay."

I don't know when they'll replay it again. Maybe you can see it online. I don't know. Due to the graphic nature ... it was on late.

Very powerful stuff.

See it if you can.

Are greeting cards recession-proof?

Are greeting cards recession-proof?

I think so.

Everyone can still afford a birthday card.

Maybe not a birthday gift ... but definitely a birthday card.

Woohoo!!!!!!

Avon anyone? Get free shipping!

A friend of mine sells AVON it's soooo different these days.

Check it out.

OH! & if you order direct from her website, you can get FREE SHIPPING!

Michael Phelps - The Early Years

Michael Phelps - The Early Years

got this in an e-mail

wish I'd thought of it first!

This is your last chance to lower your interest rates.

The phone rang 10 minutes ago. A pre-recorded message says: "This is your last chance to lower your interest rates."

The last THREE times this company called, I informed them that I was on the Do Not Call list. Instead of making note of that & telling me they won't call again, they just hung up on me.

So today ... just now ... they called back.

Would you like to lower your interest rates? "Sure!" I said. Then the guy talked for 2 minutes straight until I said: "Ummm, I think you wanna talk to my mom." "Oh! OK" he said.

So I called out "Mom!!!" "Phone!!!"

And gently placed the phone down. Waited 5 minutes, picked it up & said "You still there?" He said "yes", I said "hold on a minute". He said "OK". I yelled "Mom!!!! Phone!!"

He's still holding.

Ha!

Today I learned how to tell the sex of a tomato.

It's a boy !!!

I had no idea.

Really. Something so simple... But it's got me thinking...

If tomatos have A sex ... does that mean they have SEX?

And if so, what do female tomatos call it when they have sex for the first time?

And if a cherry tomato loses her cherry ...

what does she have left?

I am now going to put my male tomato into the food processor. I suspect I may get some satisfaction from it.

The salsa I mean.

yummmmmm

PS HOLY SHIT, DO WE HAVE TOMATOS!

they're like 6 feet tall ... how THAT ever happened, I'll never know. Beginners luck probably.

Sausage in the oven.

4 AM

the phone rings.

The phone ringing at 4AM is scary.

I wake up enough by the 4th ring to fly out of bed, afraid something is terribly wrong.

"Hello?" I say.

A young woman says: "Can I put my sausage in your oven?"

At this point I sigh, partly pissed, partly releived because no one is hurt or dying, and I say to her: "You woke me up for THIS?"
Without missing a beat she responds: "Did you say you're up for this?"

Had I been more awake ... and not so freshly recovering from being scared ... I may not have hung up ... I may have praised her on her ability to think on her feet. Her response was hilarious.

I'd like to meet her.

Today’s most enlightening headline.

The news stations all reported today, a most enlightening little piece of information, as told to them ...

Are you ready for it?

Sure?

OK, here it is ...

Feds: anthrax suspect had serious mental health issues.

Wow. I gotta tell ya ... I was really blown away by this little piece of info. I was SURE the person behind the anthrax stuff was completely sane. Gee Batman, you just never know about people ...